Two Easy Communication Tools to Decrease Defensiveness
By Sasha Gruca, AMFT
Communication can be such a loaded topic, and rightfully so—there are many nuances and complexities that go into how we verbally and nonverbally communicate with others. Most of us learn templates for communication from our family of origin, so how we communicate has deep, longstanding roots. Almost every human will struggle with communication issues at some point in their life because it is such a complex topic. Here are two easy tools to decrease defensiveness and promote good communication, a key to maintaining meaningful relationships:
1.) “But” vs. “And”
Who remembers sitting in school and learning about the major differences between the conjunctions and and but? Of course, both have their place in connecting clauses and something kind of magical can happen when you replace but with and. Using and joins two clauses together at once in order to express that both can be true at the same time. But can feel like it negates part of the clause, which can make others only focus on part of what is being said. For example, “We have made so much progress on communication, but we have more to work on”. Take a moment and think about it for a second, what part of the sentence are you focusing on most? Yup—most would express that the second part of the sentence is being focused on most. Now let’s try replacing but with and: “We have made so much progress on communication and we have more to work on”. Does that feel different? Using and in this case can make space for both things to be true at the same time. By doing so, others can take in the whole sentence as opposed to focusing on only one part and becoming defensive about it. This replacement can be especially helpful when communicating praise, disagreements or need for change. Yes, but still definitely has its place within communication and think of how different things could be if and were to be used more.
2.) Blanket statements or over generalizations, can be another communication issue that we want to be cautious of and try to avoid. The moment you say something like, “you never do the dishes” or “you always leave your towel on the floor”, the other person will most likely become defensive and feel compelled to refute your statement, especially during a disagreement or argument. Instead of becoming a productive conversation where changes can be made or needs can be heard, it becomes a debate because chances are that there has been at least one time when that person has done the dishes or not left their towel on the floor. Instead of using blanket statements, try using words like: more times than not, most of the time, rarely or sometimes.
Sausha sees clients in both the loop and Andersonville office. To learn more about healthy communication or to set up an appointment, contact her today!
